"When one door closes ..."

"When one door closes, another opens" is the topic on my mind this morning.

Recently, there has been some change in my day-to-day life. Although I never thought I would feel this way about such a change, it has been a positive change overall, I think.

For years I have been involved on a message board with other moms who daily discussed our children and our lives. I loved the sharing, the learning from each other, and the friendships we formed through the years. I really felt like I had close and supportive friends in that group, even if we had never met in real life. These gals were my friends. In my heart, they were true friends. I was THEIR friend in my heart and in my support on the message board. But were they my friends?

That is the question that came up for me when things recently turned very ugly on our little message board for another board member. Now, I am questioning if any of these people really cared about me, or for others on the board who they truly seemed to support over the years. (Which makes me realize the dangers of posting personal things online to strangers ... for years ...)

In any case, I realize now that this group of people were not really my friends. We were just moms who shared interests over the years I guess. True friends have disagreements and maybe even nasty words (hopefully on rare occasions), but they care about each other enough to move beyond the dissent. Long-term friends typically know who each other are from building a relationship over time, even online. And true friendships take effort and sometimes sacrifice on both sides of the relationship. One person just cannot always be the one who is right. It isn't possible. Taking responsibility for hurting other people with harsh words and judgments ... and apologies and forgiveness ... just need to be part of the package of true friendship.

When it isn't, you really begin to wonder what you had all of those years. How stupid you may have been ... although, I am not stupid. But I am smarter now I think. I now think that some of these people were just on the board to hear others' personal life issues so that somehow they could feel better about their own lives. A bit sick I think. It isn't a thought I like having, but I think it is true and have come to deal with it. But it now makes it very hard for me to post anything on any message board, or on Facebook. I hope I get over that.

In any case, there is a silver lining. When one door closes, another opens, right? What I am finding is that I actually feel much better than when I was a part of that particular board. Although I didn't think I cared what these people thought of me or my decisions on the board, a lot of things that were said did cause me to feel hurt or to feel bad about myself regardless ... simply because they were mean and thoughtless. And so much was said within the silences as well. The silences were not quiet.

So, the door that has opened is sort of a freeing feeling. I think that feeling comes from standing up for myself. I am proud of the decisions I have made for my kids about school. I am proud of the fact that I am not materialistic, nor are my kids and husband. I am proud of the fact that I can see the beauty and positive qualities in pretty much everyone. I am proud of the fact that I can see things from all angles. I am proud of the fact that people matter more to me than being right or being accepted. I am proud that my kids are good people, inside and out. And I am going to blog more because it feels good to just be me.

And, most importantly, I forgive my fellow board friends. We are all just people. Just human beings trying to make our way in this world and as mothers.