Ladies of Grace Blog Carnival!!!

My friend Beth over at http://walkamile-beth.blogspot.com is kicking off a blog carnival on August 5 ... it is way cool and I encourage everyone to check out Beth's blog and join in the good grace!

The following is the premise of the carnival --

Taken from A Heart Like His:

1. To be more aware of the condition of our hearts and with that awareness to keep them more open toward others

2. To do this in the normal course of our lives , in other words , not put any extra activities into our day--no extra visits, no preparing of casse
eople should not become "projects" and our lives should not to be filled with more things to do.

3. Notice the Spirit and be willing to blog and honestly report what did or did not happen.More explanation: This experiment is meant to help us explore and experiment with the simple concept of opening our hearts-simply making space for the Lord and others. Because this experiment is more about becoming than doing , it is simple, doesn't consume time, actually creates energy and therefore self- perpetuating ... This should be easy to do, but I believe the results will be more profound...because we are in search of a new heart...a heart like His!

Please join the fun over at http://walkamile-beth.blogspot.com.

What a great way to grace the world in our everyday doings!

Deciding Factors ....

I have been tossing around an issue in my mind for a few months now and have been wondering about my feelings and reactions to my ideas around this issue for several weeks. It has been a bit puzzling to me because the solution to my little decision-making dilemma (or issue) was just not clear to me. I had decided to take the Summer to listen for God Winks surrounding the issue and just see what came of it ....

Over the last weeks, I found that there were some interesting synchroncities that popped up related to this issue, a continued feeling I kept having of not being fully at peace about this issue, and a few moments that I experienced almost as if they were epiphanies, in the form of energy bursts actually ... that just weren't fully making sense to me ....

I continued to spend some time thinking about this issue during quiet moments, trying to see if I could put the pieces of the puzzle together. It was kind of a neat process and recently I think I may have completed this little puzzle for myself. This is really exciting to me, but I am still sitting on this "conclusion" just a bit ... sort of waiting and seeing what comes up for me with this at this particular point on this little journey I have undertaken ...

I feel that I am listening to God and loving his guidance here .... I feel that I am seeing into my heart a bit more clearly lately ..... an interesting journey ....

Some simple things I love ....

1.) Hanging out at home with my family.
2.) Reading great books
3.) Staying up late
4.) Sleeping in
5.) Watching my kids have a good time
6.) Going out to eat
7.) Talking with friends
8.) Taking a shower with no sight or sound of my children
9.) Swimming
10.) Night swimming

To Do List

Every now and then it inspires me to type out a to-do list and post it here on my blog. Here is what I plan to get done this week:

1. All of my laundry
2. Cook at least four dinners
3. Pack 6 kids lunches for their activities this week
4. Clean both bathrooms
5. Help ds purge his room of toys he is done with
6. Figure out how to close the co-sleeper and get it out of here once and for all!
7. Toy purge in living room and basement
8. Toy pick-up in living room and basement
9. At least one lunch out with no kids
10. Attend coaching class
11. Swim a lot
12. Get to library
13. Pay off all bills and complete medical paperwork
14. Mail stuff in that needs to get out of here!
15. Wash and change sheets
16. Clear clutter out of master bedroom
17. Clear off island

Busy days versus slow-paced days ...

Today was a busy day ... from swimming lessons, back home, to VBS, to lunch at the world's busiest McDonald's I have ever been to in my entire life, back to VBS, to cousin's house to drop off cousin and pick up ds's overnight gear, to McDonald's once again (this time the drive-tru), to the eyeglass shop for a repair, to the shoe store and back home again ...

I kind of like a busy, active day anymore. But, I think I am yearning a bit for some more of the do-nothing types of days we normally have had in the past .... maybe a mixture of both is what I am seeking ....

Anyway, it is all about balance and I think the key for me is just to keep an ongoing awareness of our needs, feelings and level of enjoyment in all we are doing this Summer. Plus, I need to get some "me" time in at some point here soon. Why is it so hard for me to ask for babysitting just for me to go out and get time to myself?

It is easy for me to ask for babysitting for a doctor's appt., for help with transportation when I have kids to get two places at once or for something "important" (like a school meeting.) But when it comes to just a date night out with my dh or time away for me to just chill ... I struggle to ask.

Anyone have a good swift kick in the rear they can give me to get over this issue once and for all?

A New Me?

I have been happy lately and I am so grateful. To be honest, since the birth of my two youngest children, I have been in a fog. I thank God with all of my heart and soul for all of my children and I feel so blessed to be given the job of loving and raising them on this earth.

But even still, I entered a fog when I had two back-to-back babies. I really didn't even realize what it was exactly ... I had hunches from time to time that I was depressed. But I never wanted to seriously admit it.

Recently, I have admitted this finally in my life and taken some actions to address my "rut." And now, for the first time in a few years, I have experienced many moments of pure and real joy. I can hardly believe that I am admitting that I went that long without experiencing pure joy. But, it was not until I began to experience these feelings once again that I realized what exactly had been missing from the me I used to be.

This, in no way, reflects on my children. I have put my all into them and they have gotten the best of me even when I had to plaster a smile on my face due to my own internal struggles. But, I cannot tell you how much easier and exciting life is to have moments of pure happiness and even a playful, crazy, loving feeling in one's heart just because of life's simple things once again.

I believe that my depression has been chemical to some degree; but also, I attribute this depression to circumstances. Two young children less than one year apart are a lot of work. My husband works long hours and the work of raising our kids has been mainly my role in our family. My husband is a wonderful dad, but the majority of the grunt work with our children is mine while all of the bread-winning grunt work in recent years has been dh's.

We have also faced some big challenges in recent years ... a move, a few floods, an employment scare, extremely tight finances; those types of things take time and energy to deal with as well. It's no wonder that I put myself on the backburner and sort of just let myself french fry inside.

But now I am clearing out that smoke (that fog) and I can see life more clearly in recent days. And while I can now see how I basically sacrificed myself for the needs of my family; I can also now see that there is a better way to do things now moving forward.

I thank God for the gift of being able to be home with my children at this time in all of our lives. It is a true blessing. I have taken many actions to set up my life (and my childrens' lives) a bit differently this Summer and life has just been sweet lately and I am loving the moments.

As a few wise people have stated recently: Depression is real. I have known this intellectually for many years; but, for some reason, I was just certain that I was somehow "different" and that such a thing as depression would never likely happen to me. Silly, I know.

Now, I am just so glad to be finding myself once again ....

My baby bunched life ....

Ever since I became a Baby Buncher (http://www.babybunching.com/baby_bunching/), I have just not been the same person that I was pre-baby bunch.

One thing that has suffered immensely is my brain (and my level of patience for situations that challenge my patience = my sanity) when my children are with me.

Tonight was one of those times.

Picture this .... soccer party and awards ceremony with inflatable activities, foods, drink, hot sun, little shade and a stage where awards were to be given out at 6 p.m.

At 6 p.m., a very long speech began, given by an associate minister, and my 2.5 and 3.5 year old began to fidget in their seats within minutes (all inflatables had been deflated mind you and the audience was relatively quiet.) My youngest child crawled under the table and got cookie pieces mixed up with loose black top and I became unsure of what she had in her mouth ... and bent under the table to investigate.

We were asked during the speech to consider Jesus in our lives and our commitment to him all the while that I began to pray that my children and I would make it through this ceremony peacefully and successfully. After all, dh could not attend due to the need to spend 20 hours this weekend (yes, 20) working on my mini-van, 2-3 hours this weekend working on work he had to bring home from his place of employment (for which he will get no additional pay), and the 1.5 hours of lawn mowing that needed to be done before he returned to work on Monday.

Of course I wanted my oldest child to shine in the honor that was his for completing this soccer season, but I was also mindful that this was a set-up for potential disaster for myself and my kiddos (aka baby bunch) at this awards ceremony/party.

I picked my youngest child up from the ground just as my 3.5 year old spoke out loudly and clearly, "Mommy, I HAVE to make poopy!" At the same time, my youngest child became agitated because of no longer having the cookie (or the loose black top that I was no longer allowing her to put into her mouth.)

So, I had little choice but to leave my 11 year old in his seat and take my baby bunch to the bathroom (whispering as we walked that we would pick up a cookie for my youngest on the way back to our seats and hoping I wouldn't miss the awards part of this program for my ds.)

It took forever for us to reach the bathroom, where both girls delighted in seeing the sink and the little step stool this bathroom had that allowed them to reach the sink easily on their own. Quickly, they began to turn on the water and wash their hands .... I hurried my 3.5 year old into the stall to do her #2 ....

Then my youngest said "Pee Pee is coming!" So, I let her finish washing her hands in the sink while my oldest finished her duty in the potty. Then the girls traded places .... one still at the sink and one still at the potty who would then need to return once again to the sink when done .... and all of this felt like it is was taking forever and I felt sure that I would miss something important that would disappoint my 11 year old ....

We finished up with hand washing and throwing paper towels into the trash. Then we left the bathroom only to find there was a water fountain directly in front of the bathroom. And of course both girls were "REALLY thirsty mommy!!!"

So, one at a time, they each got two turns at the water fountain ... then ....

"It is TIME to go out to see your brother now girls!" I said (feeling anxious and tired inside of all the chaos thus far and wishing we were home already and hoping not to have to make another trip to the bathroom later.)

Of course, we had to pass the playground to get back out to the awards ceremony (the playground is by both doors that lead into the building where the bathroom is) and my 2.5 year old began to scream "I want to SWING! I want to SWING!"

Nobody was swinging and I know from many, many weeks of spending hours on this playground during soccer practices that once the swinging begins, it is very hard to get my little ones away from there .... plus, my 11 year old was sitting alone at his award ceremony .... my little ones were too young to swing alone, unsupervised ...

So, I picked up my wriggly 2.5 year old and heard the associate minister STILL giving his speech! Inside I sighed and I prayed and I thought to myself that I was really good with God, personally, and could we PLEASE just get on with this because we might not make it to actually see this award take place and my ds might feel slighted from missing this big moment since so many things are about his sisters these days .....

I grabbed cookies and water and we returned to our seats. It was hot and my 2.5 year old crawled back under the table. (I began to wonder why I never noticed before how much the loose black top looked like Oreo cookie pieces ...) I thought to myself how much I was really wanting this "ceremony" to end before my 2.5 year old had a meltdown or began to choke on concrete. I felt like I must be crazy to see so many other families with their children sitting perfectly sanely through this. And I wondered to myself why anyone would ever want to listen to anything so long ever really and what were the people thinking who scheduled this lengthy ceremony?

We were told by the speaking minister that our relationship with Jesus Christ crosses denominations and does not have to do with what we wear or what church we attend and that it was personal and I was thinking 'yes, yes, yes, I know, know, know, know ... and Lord, I do totally know this because I do have a relationship with God and I do NOT attend a church weekly right now and I know the Lord does not want or need me to wear special clothing to have a relationship with him, etc.' I thought to myself that I know where I stand with the Lord and PLEASE could we just move on to the award part of this ceremony ....

Finally, the coaches were called up to present the awards and ..... would you believe? They had something very special planned:

Starting with the youngest team, each child was to be called up to the stage area and something about exactly how they were special and how they played on the team would be said about each child ....

'Oh my!' I thought to myself as this began. I totally felt like I wanted to cry inside. It was very special and thoughtful and wonderful to say these nice things about each child, but COME ON already .... this was going to take F-O-R-E-V-E-R! (What were these very kind and thoughtful people who scheduled this thinking?!!)

My 2.5 year old decided at that point to try to head on over to the playground on her own ... she giggled with delight and ran off ...

I left my seat to chase her but grabbed my purse before I left the table and knocked over my paper dishes .... cups, plates, napkins and food began to blow off with the light breeze that must have been at ankle level since I had been unable to feel it on this hot day while sitting there in the audience doing chair aerobics ....

I retrieved my 2.5 year old and .... needless to go on at this point as you are getting the scenario, right?

The whole thing lasted one hour and 15 minutes ....

The nice thing is that just before the last 15 minutes, I finally found new seats for myself and my three children. We were able to obtain these seats because people who had previously sat in this area (shaded by a large van) had left (escaped?) and I somehow managed to get my motley crew moved just in time for ds's team (oldest age group) to go to the stage.

WHEN, a pregnant woman sat down next to me and began to converse with me.

"A little bit too long for the young ones," she remarked.

I said, "my little ones were done when it started and it has been VERY long."

(The new seats gave my youngest child an area to run a bit where she was not disruptive and I was still able to see and hear the microphone and speaker.) My oldest child was about to have nice things said about him and I had been waiting this long and listening to so much other stuff and dealing with so much chaos while waiting that I was NOT going to miss this .....

The pregnant woman looked at my youngest child running in circles with her daughter of similar age and asked "how old is your daughter?"

Inside, I thought for a moment, 'I have two daughters and this question is not simple and I do not wish to talk at this point because I am trying to listen to what is happening on stage and watch all three of my kids at the same time who are currently located at 12, 3 and 9 if you were to put them on a clock as to their current locations and God did not give me three eyeballs that move freely in three different directions.'

Ds's coach began to speak.

I just said to the pregnant woman, "I am sorry, I want to listen to this." (Yes, it felt like I was being unfriendly, but what could I do?!)

And I did feel bad inside a bit, but this is my job, ya know? These are my kids and this is what I do (I am a parent and my job right now is to be a stay-at-home mom). I love my kids. I want what is best for all of them. But sometimes this means I just can't make small talk or chit chat or appreciate pastoral speeches or the intricacies of long, drawn out ceremonies. My brain just can't get a handle on all of it and I lack the outward grace of being a mixture of both June Cleaver and Mary freakin' Poppins at this time in my life ... it's just a balancing act and my children have to come first.

To conclude this blog entry, I won't even go into the tantrum my youngest had that happened when the award ceremony finally ended and it was time to leave.

I will also leave out the part where I had to wrestle my two year old into her car seat twice and had to remove both of her shoes because the back seat of our newest car is much smaller than my minivan (being worked on still), and my daughter's shoes were hurting me during this wresting match ...

I will also leave out the part where I handed the shoes to my sweet and understanding ds and told him to put them "somewhere, anywhere" and he looked at me like 'o.k, strange, but this is my life and it's normal, whatever, o.k.'

And I won't mention how I then began to drive the car as my two year old released herself one last time from the car seat and practically threw herself into the front seat of the car sobbing ...

And I will certainly leave out my feelings about this really wonderful ceremony and party that I am sure so many wonderful volunteers so carefully planned but that I HATED with every piece of my body and soul at that point ...

I also won't go into how I had to stop the car one last time and replace my two year old's shoes in return for her sitting nicely and safely in her car seat, but how the car next to me had its passenger door half opened and the person holding it open was totally unaware that I needed to OPEN my freakin' door and was having some kind of discussion with her head pointed in a completely different direction ...

And I will REALLY leave out the park about what I was thinking during that moment ....

FINALLY, in the car, I recited out loud (for myself and my sanity) the Lord's Prayer and the Serenity Prayer. I turned up the radio and I prayed silently that we would make it home quickly. Ds just looked out the window calmly as if this was all just perfectly normal.

Halfway home, I began to talk to ds and told him how proud I was of him and how nice the awards party and food had been (because this really was for him and not about me, and people with good intentions and good hearts planned and executed this event that was actually a very thoughtful event in many ways.) Ds agreed the event was very nice and smiled while looking through the bag of goodies his coach had given him before we had gotten into the car.

When we arrived home, I felt like I was dizzy and had been mauled by a dog ... dh was exhausted from all of his work during the weekend too ... but all three of our children were happy and we all smiled and went for a family swim ... and somehow I felt like it was a successful outing after all.

A-men!