A New Me?

I have been happy lately and I am so grateful. To be honest, since the birth of my two youngest children, I have been in a fog. I thank God with all of my heart and soul for all of my children and I feel so blessed to be given the job of loving and raising them on this earth.

But even still, I entered a fog when I had two back-to-back babies. I really didn't even realize what it was exactly ... I had hunches from time to time that I was depressed. But I never wanted to seriously admit it.

Recently, I have admitted this finally in my life and taken some actions to address my "rut." And now, for the first time in a few years, I have experienced many moments of pure and real joy. I can hardly believe that I am admitting that I went that long without experiencing pure joy. But, it was not until I began to experience these feelings once again that I realized what exactly had been missing from the me I used to be.

This, in no way, reflects on my children. I have put my all into them and they have gotten the best of me even when I had to plaster a smile on my face due to my own internal struggles. But, I cannot tell you how much easier and exciting life is to have moments of pure happiness and even a playful, crazy, loving feeling in one's heart just because of life's simple things once again.

I believe that my depression has been chemical to some degree; but also, I attribute this depression to circumstances. Two young children less than one year apart are a lot of work. My husband works long hours and the work of raising our kids has been mainly my role in our family. My husband is a wonderful dad, but the majority of the grunt work with our children is mine while all of the bread-winning grunt work in recent years has been dh's.

We have also faced some big challenges in recent years ... a move, a few floods, an employment scare, extremely tight finances; those types of things take time and energy to deal with as well. It's no wonder that I put myself on the backburner and sort of just let myself french fry inside.

But now I am clearing out that smoke (that fog) and I can see life more clearly in recent days. And while I can now see how I basically sacrificed myself for the needs of my family; I can also now see that there is a better way to do things now moving forward.

I thank God for the gift of being able to be home with my children at this time in all of our lives. It is a true blessing. I have taken many actions to set up my life (and my childrens' lives) a bit differently this Summer and life has just been sweet lately and I am loving the moments.

As a few wise people have stated recently: Depression is real. I have known this intellectually for many years; but, for some reason, I was just certain that I was somehow "different" and that such a thing as depression would never likely happen to me. Silly, I know.

Now, I am just so glad to be finding myself once again ....