A hard thing to admit ...

My two older kids go to a private Christian School. I made no pretense with the school principal prior to my oldest son enrolling there two years ago -- we would need to become members of the church to afford the tuition there. Also, I had told her we were looking for a new church. All true.

Our experiences in the last two years at this church and school have been life changing. Lots of experiences are life changing, but these two years go into the records for our family. Most of the changes have been related to the positive impact this environment has had on our oldest child.

But, we have all grown spiritually as a result of our committment to this church/school over the last two years. The people at this church/school are some of the nicest I have met anywhere. The environment is small, yet large enough to offer a variety of activities and people to interact with.

And once again, like always, I feel the need to bolt from this type of environment ... which makes me sad. It isn't something I can really control. A huge part of this is budget related, although the school has indicated that financial help is a very real possibility. But, mainly, I can't be who I am not. I am not an organized religion person, by nature nor in my heart. My relationship with God has always been personal. It doesn't fit into a Catholic box or a Lutheran box, sadly ....

I want to fit in these boxes! There are so many positives. I want to be on those bandwagons! But, it isn't me :( I am an eclectic. I feel that in all of these religions ... it is really all about God. Same God. I don't care what religion I need to subscribe too. It isn't about the religion. It is just about God. Multiple paths to learn about him .... And I don't believe little kids need to be in the church each week when they aren't getting a thing out of it and their presence there stresses me to the core. So, I also get nothing out of it. I believe in Sunday School for kids while the parents are in church. I believe in comfortable clothing in church and Sunday School. I do not believe my attendance at church or Sunday School needs to be monitored each week. I am a big girl and God is the only true judge.

Anyway, in recent weeks, I feel like I have been having an affair on our church. We have found a church/Sunday School that fits me and the girls so much better in many ways. But I want the school too and this other church does not have a school component after preschool. But I can't do it anymore. It isn't who I am. But, I am an eclectic ... And, therefore, I want to be a part of both churches ... but not beholden to either ... Is this so terrible?