"When one door closes ..."

"When one door closes, another opens" is the topic on my mind this morning.

Recently, there has been some change in my day-to-day life. Although I never thought I would feel this way about such a change, it has been a positive change overall, I think.

For years I have been involved on a message board with other moms who daily discussed our children and our lives. I loved the sharing, the learning from each other, and the friendships we formed through the years. I really felt like I had close and supportive friends in that group, even if we had never met in real life. These gals were my friends. In my heart, they were true friends. I was THEIR friend in my heart and in my support on the message board. But were they my friends?

That is the question that came up for me when things recently turned very ugly on our little message board for another board member. Now, I am questioning if any of these people really cared about me, or for others on the board who they truly seemed to support over the years. (Which makes me realize the dangers of posting personal things online to strangers ... for years ...)

In any case, I realize now that this group of people were not really my friends. We were just moms who shared interests over the years I guess. True friends have disagreements and maybe even nasty words (hopefully on rare occasions), but they care about each other enough to move beyond the dissent. Long-term friends typically know who each other are from building a relationship over time, even online. And true friendships take effort and sometimes sacrifice on both sides of the relationship. One person just cannot always be the one who is right. It isn't possible. Taking responsibility for hurting other people with harsh words and judgments ... and apologies and forgiveness ... just need to be part of the package of true friendship.

When it isn't, you really begin to wonder what you had all of those years. How stupid you may have been ... although, I am not stupid. But I am smarter now I think. I now think that some of these people were just on the board to hear others' personal life issues so that somehow they could feel better about their own lives. A bit sick I think. It isn't a thought I like having, but I think it is true and have come to deal with it. But it now makes it very hard for me to post anything on any message board, or on Facebook. I hope I get over that.

In any case, there is a silver lining. When one door closes, another opens, right? What I am finding is that I actually feel much better than when I was a part of that particular board. Although I didn't think I cared what these people thought of me or my decisions on the board, a lot of things that were said did cause me to feel hurt or to feel bad about myself regardless ... simply because they were mean and thoughtless. And so much was said within the silences as well. The silences were not quiet.

So, the door that has opened is sort of a freeing feeling. I think that feeling comes from standing up for myself. I am proud of the decisions I have made for my kids about school. I am proud of the fact that I am not materialistic, nor are my kids and husband. I am proud of the fact that I can see the beauty and positive qualities in pretty much everyone. I am proud of the fact that I can see things from all angles. I am proud of the fact that people matter more to me than being right or being accepted. I am proud that my kids are good people, inside and out. And I am going to blog more because it feels good to just be me.

And, most importantly, I forgive my fellow board friends. We are all just people. Just human beings trying to make our way in this world and as mothers.

Ahhh November 1

Yay, it is November 1! I love, love, love November 1!

Why?

Because October for our family is one crazy roller coaster ride from start to finish.

Here are this year's October highlights --

Seven family birthdays.
Five family birthday gatherings.
One joint kids' birthday party, with 23 kids in attendance
Two school field trips
One School Fall party
Two School birthday snacks to send in
Two Trunk-or-Treats
One haunted house visit
And Halloween trick-or-treating

Whew! It is like Christmas!

So, November 1 is my day to reflect on the October fun while taking a bit of a breather before the holiday rush begins once again just before Thanksgiving (and goes non-stop until January 1.)

Because as much as I enjoy celebrating the holidays with my family, they are A LOT of work! (Honestly, I think the hardest part is the house cleaning for the various events; because, my husband is a big help when it comes to some of the family parties (he will cook) and trick-or-treating (he will pull the girls in the wagon on Halloween night tirelessly).

Anyway, goodbye dear October. You have been fun :) Hello November 1!

What was I thinking???

Today is the girls' first joint birthday party with friends at our local indoor inflatable playground.

24 kids total, including mine.

Picking up an extra child from school for lunch beforehand, to help her parents with transportation.

Need to drive 30 minutes across town to get the cake I had to have ...

Then back to school to pick up my Kindergartener and the extra girl.

Then back home to serve lunch.

Then the 15 minute drive back to the party place.

I am exhausted just thinking about it!

But ..... I better get on the move ....

I can't wait until 4 p.m. today when this is over and I can look back and recall how much fun it was :()

Learning Through Our Lives ...

I can't help it. I believe in kindness. I hate to see people get hurt when kindness could have made all the difference in a situation. I would like to think we would all desire to own our part in something ugly that happened and hurt others ... and make peace. And live in a big happy circle of love. Or move on kindly.

But that just isn't always the case in life. Some people just don't care to be kind and won't be.

And, I am sorry; but, I can't stand beside them.

"A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person."
Dave Barry, "Things That It Took Me 50 Years to learn"

"Life is short, but there is always time for courtesy."
Ralph Waldo Emerson, Social Aims

Fall Is Here and Growing Up

Fall blew in today with some drastically cooler weather. Cool weather is predicted for the next fifteen days. Warm, sunny pool days are winding down here, if not over for the season already. And my five-year-old begins full-days of Kindergarten this week. Even though her full days will be every other day, they will be three full days each week. Here is her Kindergarten schedule:

Monday, Wed., Friday -- 8:30 a.m. to 3:30 p.m.
Tuesday and Thurs. -- 8:30 a.m. to 11:45 a.m.

It was the best schedule this determined mom could get here in Indiana for a Kindergarten schedule. Half-day Kindergarten is dying here as an option for just about everyone. Even the schools that still offer if are pressuring the parents to pay for full-day Kindergarten. It is very sad to me. One mom of a half-day Kindergarten girl told me that her Kindergartener is in a mixed class with full-day Kindergarten kids and the teachers tell the whole class about the afternoon activities that are scheduled. Classy, huh?

I am just not convinced that our kids need to hit the ground running full-time as five-year-olds. Can't we give our little kids just one more year to be kids? This is the first year that Kindergarten joins the rigor of the Indiana State Academic standards. My daughter will be one of the first kids tested every single year (including this one) on the new standards. If she isn't reading up to standards by third grade, she will be held back, as will any kid not making that cut. Pressure. Pressure. And they are only five. It is simply wrong in my opinion. Kids need to be kids.

Kindergarten IS still optional here in Indiana, but given the above, is it really optional? Not really. Oh well. I am happy with our choices and glad we do have a choice still. I pray that Kindergarten will maintain this schedule next year as well because my youngest daughter will be entering Kindergarten next year. I want to stand up for my kids' childhoods and still do right by them when it comes time to be tested into oblivion.

Advice and Criticism

This post comes from thoughts about a battle I recently had with an extended family member ...

I have been thinking lately about advice and criticism. For the most part, I want feedback from people. It is great to get different ideas and then make one's own decision. But, on some occasions, advice and criticism hits me less positively. So, I began to wonder ...

When we react most strongly to certain advice, is that a message in itself? Does it mean maybe the advice rings true? I had to think about that.

I have decided that strong feelings about advice or criticism can mean a number of things. It might mean we don't like something pointed out to us because it is unpleasant. It could mean we are hearing something powerful that we need to take action on. It could mean that the person giving this advice or criticism is being rude in the way they are giving it.

It could also mean that the person is just being a pain in the rear because they feel insistant that their advice is what it right for us when it isn't. Or, it could mean that we have certain needs that the advice is butting up against ... such as the need to be right, the need to be regarded well, etc.

I don't think strong reactions necessarily mean that the advice or criticism being dished out is true. But, I always do think that a strong reaction is worth exploring from a personal standpoint myself.

I think the most important thing about offering advice or constructive criticism is to remain respectful of the person you are bestowing this advice on. They are really the expert in their own lives.

So, what do you think about advice or criticism? Do you like to get the opinions of others? Do you find unsolicited advice offensive, or do you see it as an opportunity?

Parenting truths learned ...

One thing that is nice about having a large age gap between my first child and my younger two children is that I have gained a sense of perspective over the years. Of course, this helps me with my preschool age children and not so much with my newly-turned 13-year-old ;) But, I will take what parenting experience I have and be thankful for it.

Some things I have learned about preschoolers and younger children after parenting this age one time already, and also from knowing other parents who have walked the preschool path once before. These things may not be popular nuggets of information to share. Some parenting topics are just heated. Some things in life you just have to live through first in order to truly determine your own more concrete view on how that life stage or parenting situation is truly best handled (in your own life situation). Unfortunately, hindsight doesn't always help us as we navigate the initial path through parenthood.

But, for what it is worth, below is a short collection of "truths" that I have extracted from my own parenting experience. No, I am not a world expert on parenting. This is just my blog and this is just what I think based on my life experience. One thing about me is that I am a lover of anything that can be learned. I enjoy being challenged, stepping outside of my own ideas (no matter how concrete I think they are already), and looking at things in new ways. I don't know why; but it is just really very exciting to me to learn new things and new ways of looking at life. It just makes life interesting. It keeps me learning.

So, here are some of my ideas ... some might think they are wild and zany ideas and that is o.k. And yes, I wholeheartedly believe in them. I can't help it and I am sorry. I am who I am.

1.) Young boys should be held back from Kindergarten and go in as older boys.

2.) Most preschool programs are not developmentally appropriate and these programs are perpetuated by government ideas about educating kids in the older grades. Preschoolers learn best through enriched play. They do not need worksheets and drills or desk work, unless it is very minimal. Let's not stifle their creativity so young please. Unless you are using preschool for a mom's day out, get your child out of those types of preschool programs. They will have plenty of years to be schooled in structured settings that are less hands on.

3.) A clean house is not really important in the scheme of things. I don't mean we should live in filth, but things do clean up. Kids learn from some of the crazy things they do. That doesn't make them rotten or bad for doing them. If something is against the rules or really steps over a line for you as a parent, then don't allow it. But, be flexible for goodness' sake. You can spend your entire life sorting your socks when the kids' are grown.

4.) Sometimes when kids are tired, they can appear to have ADHD or to have terrible behavior problems. Some kids move faster when they are tired.

5.) Working closely with your child's school is important at any and every age. Be a partner and an advocate for your child's education.

6.) Teach them to do as many things for themselves as soon as possible ... and as soon as they are ready ... no matter how much more time that takes you as a parent of young kids. When they are older, life will be easier because you did.

7.) Kids don't have to be in every single sport, or club, or extracurricular activity. If they are interested and you can afford to foster that interest, then do so. But keep it fun and about learning until THEY want it to be about something bigger. Keep in mind that most adults don't have a place to play competitive team sports in this world after college. Being the best ball player is not the "be-all" and "end-all" for your child's success in this world.

8.) Let kids be who they are. Some kids don't like to do things that we as a society think all people should enjoy doing. Don't let them live in a bubble, but if they don't want to go to a school dance, then more power to them I say! Kudos to the kids who can make their own decisions and stay true to their own desires when their peers are sometimes going along with the crowd to ensure they are part of a "cool" group.

9.) If your child is being bullied at school, get up to the school and INSIST it be stopped. Use the term "bully." Insist on ZERO tolerance. Follow up daily until you are certain the situation is under control. Then, keep following up!

10.) I will end this list at ten items. So lastly, I will say ... do not be afraid to discipline your kids. We owe it to our kids to be their parents. This is not an easy role sometimes for a parent like me because it is ... indeed ... TRUE that doling out consequences is way more painful for ME than it is for my kids!

So, what do you agree with? What do you hate or disagree with from my above list? Please share your thoughts and your own parenting "truths" developed in the trenches!